Debt and a conversation between Natasha & my Divinely Wise Self

The theme for me right now is trust....trusting universe, trusting self, trusting others.

And the journey into deeper trust......which requires tests that I as co-creator have asked for on some level.   I believe that the only way to the gift of the lesson is actually going through the process ---- there's no getting around it, there's no avoiding it.  It's only going through the fire that the gift is realized.

So financial difficulty.....and it's all relative for all of us yes?  I mean if you have bag lady syndrome --- you're always on the brink of losing everything -- even Oprah felt this --- with her $5,000,0000 "safety stash" for when/if it all blew up in an instant.  Can u believe that THE Oprah never felt 'safe' until she had a $5,000,000 stash? 

So here's my dilemma --- I've got a credit card balance of $5000 and a PLC of $7000 and I left my job June 3rd.  I'm paying $666 per month for an apprenticeship that will be completed in Nov.  And I have $100 in the bank until I go grocery shopping.  What is this all saying to me right now?  Oh yes and I've been offered another $5000 on my credit card limit --- bringing it to a whopping $15,0000 credit limit.  

So as I look at these numbers my throat gets this huge lump and I could just cry because I feel so small. I feel attacked and vulnerable to being pulled out of my home and being thrown into the streets.  Where is my breath of support?  Where will I go -- what will I do?  I feel desperation.  I have become one of those people I've had nothing but contempt for.  How could your spending be so out of control?  Why would anyone spend so out of their means?  Don't they know better?  If you only make so much you can only spend so much.  Good god who do you think you are?

And as I hear this panicked voice --- who am I hearing?  It's the "voice of reason".....Miss high and mighty perfect Virginia passing judgement on the sad state of humanity.  All you evil, piteous souls who think you deserve "having it now"......that you deserve to do things outside the box of affordability.  You arrogant, sad sacks...don't you know that you should never ever spend what you don't have.  You've all brought this country to it's needs with your lust for having it now.

And so I pause...as Natasha not good enough pronounces sentence. "you shall be damned to hell for not having enough, for not being enough and for your belief that you are worthy and deserve more than you earn. Damn you, Damn you to hell!!!!!  Get a job for god sake!!!! "

Yeeeeikes ---ain't that full of a load of shit.  You've got to get rid of the life you planned to meet the life that's waiting for you.  Numbers are an illusion --- they don't exist....you can't touch 50000000 can you?  I can't touch the 11000 I owe to someone I can't see.  But I've given them such power to take from me my sense of deservability and my self-worth.  Because of these red numbers ---- my lower self (lovingly called Natasha Not Good Enough) tells me I'm damned to hell.  And because of these red numbers I have no right to believe I am worthy of love, security, joy.

My soul self, my divinely wise self says with all due respect, "How dare you perpetuate such a cruel lie......a lie I choose to not buy into.  I lovingly return this energy to you with the blessing of pure love and consciousness attached".   This is not my Soul's "stuff".  This is not my divinely wise self's belief.

The universe has provide soooo many opportunities to see I am sooooo much more than anything that was written on my bi-weekly pay check.  Sooooo much more.  And I've received amazing gifts that didn't cost me money -- hell I was flown to Denver Colorado and to Calgary without paying for it.  ANNNND -- I've got another $400 credit for flight from United Airlines.  I didn't pay for it, I didn't earn it by sitting at my desk solving Help Desk call problems...........I was gifted for believing I may have something to share doing something I love ----watching heartfelt movies and sharing my experience of those movies.  Something I loved to do brought me a free trip to Denver plus a $400 travel voucher to use in a year. And yesterday I connected and danced with a beautiful black horse....I horse in a herd of 10 that I get to work with, play with and call my co-facilitators and friends.  I rescued  a cat in Dec. who's taught me about animal communication and Reiki. 

Natasha -- I understand your roll in my life --- and I'm understanding what my paycheck and my job have taught me.  Through the pain of staying limited by the lies, I've been forced find a life that is so much more than the box I'd lived in.  My divinely wise self and the universe have been knocking for a while.....saying" come out and play --- because guess what Virginia --- a huge part of living the full and vibrant life that you deserve is that you play......"  You are deserving of a full, rich life.  You are worthy of a life of joy and peace.  You are creating this life you so richly deserve....and it continues to exceed anything I could have imagined within the box of fear and unworthiness.

May we all realize what we are truly worth and deserve -- and that it is not determined by what we "earn", but by who we are.